Sunday, May 17, 2009
VENTING!
I decided to start a private blog so that I could write down my thoughts and feelings and not offend anyone in the real world who reads my blog. My heart is just sooo broken right now and I don't reall know what to do anymore. I have to spend the next 7 months watching my sister be pregnant with her second baby and try my best not to show her how broken I am because of it. Don't get me wrong I am happy for her but it is just so unfair sooo unfair that she can have 2 kids when I cannot even have one. NOT ONE FUCKING BABY! My one chance was taken from me at 5 months when I had stillborn twin girls. My heart broke that day and I feel like here wer are 3 years later and I have nothing to show for it. NOT ONE FUCKING THING! Now I have to go maternity shopping and help her buy gifts and crap for the baby and go on and on about how excited she is and how the baby did this and that. I swear to you it kills me every time I hear it. BUT I smile and tell her I am happy and I show her I will always be there for my niece and the new baby. I love my niece now and she is so incredibly special to me but this new pregnancy is killing me slowly. I wonder how people cannot get it. My cousin is also expecting... a person who didnt want kids but O look who God blessed anyways! Piss me off. What is so wrong with me? Married 11 years and spent the entire time trying to have a baby and have nothing but hearache and hearbreak to show for it. My sister calls me and says OMG I am so sick of hearing about my cousin and the baby I hate listening to all her crap and all they talk about is baby this and that.. its so annoying. I agree with her.. then the rest of the coversation is all about her and her pregnancy. Its like she just doesn't get it. I could fill swimming pools with the amount of tears that I have shed.... I want the pain and hurt to stop or at least just go away... but I cannot move on until I can fill the void in my life. Even my husband is miserable. We both want children so badly and it kills me soo much that we can't. He has become so cruel and angry lately and he is becoming bitter.... not that I blame him. This will just be the one place for me to vent.
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I am very new to blogging, in fact I have never commented on a blog before but after reading your story I felt compelled to respond. I am very sorry for your loss and all the pain that you have felt over the years. My husband and I have been trying to conceive now for 3 years and within that time we have had 2 miscarriages. Even still I cannot imagine the torture you and your husband have endured. We must believe with our whole hearts, although I know it is very hard, that we are very strong women and we are not alone in our grief.
ReplyDeleteI also wonder why people "don't get it". My experience has put a huge strain on the relationships I have with my mom, sister, brother, dad, cousins, aunts...and yes, as you can imagine I dread each and every family function. I am sure that this strain is mostly blown out of proportion in my head, but as everyone else goes on with their own lives, I just want to yell at the top of my lungs that I am SAD!!! But at the same time I want to be strong and find happiness. I mostly feel like I am going crazy.
I hope you find this blog to be therapeutic and I thank you because it has helped me, as I am sure it will help others.
Take care.
Hi, I found your blog by Googling "sad and infertile" because that's my current state. Thank you for sharing your story. I feel like everyone is sick of me being obsessed with getting pregnant "Oh, it will just happen if you stop stressing out." Do you get that too? I went to a party this weekend and there were 5 newborn babies. How can it be so easy for everyone else, and sooo impossible for me? Sometimes I feel heartbroken. Other times I feel enraged. I hope you get your bfp.
ReplyDeleteTake care,
Emily