3 year anniversary

Three Years

THREE YEARS

Three years of sadness, three years of pain,
Three years of teardrops falling like rain,
Three years of anger bitterness and fear
Three years of wishing & prayin you were still here
Three years of hope and faith torn apart
Three years of walking around with a broken heart
Three years of asking and wondering why
Three years of wishing we never had to say goodbye
Three years of memories taken away from me
Three years of wondering why its not meant to be
Three years of prayers that were all in vein
Three years closer to holding you again

My Story continued....

Throughout the first trimester the sight or smell of anything would cause me to feel sick and vomit. It was terrible and instead of putting on weight I began losing it. Eventually the doctors prescribed me diclectin. Once we had told the family we really felt like a weight had been lifted off of us but nothing could have prepared us for what was to come. When we went back for the next ultrasound at 12 weeks the doctor mentioned that he felt they only saw one amniotic sac but at the time I didn't care. I was in mommy mode making plans for all the things I would do with my kids and how I would play with them and lavish attention on them. He mentioned that since there were 2 in there that he wanted me to see a high risk specialist and referred me to Dr. Smith, the world's nicest doctor we had ever met he was compassionate and he was wonderful. Right away I fell in love with him, he actually made me feel like he cared about us and what happened to us. I felt safe with him and I really enjoyed my appointments with him. I didn't even mind meeting with his nurse and answering the same questions each and every time. The first ultrasound that we had with him he also mentioned this one sac issue. Again I thought to myself... they certainly seem worried about this one sac issue... so I looked into it. Apparently depending on when the egg splits there are different types of twins. One sac twins are produced from an egg that splits much later after conception.. usually around a week later. I really didn't understand what that meant but the very next day I got a phone call from Mt Sinai telling me they squeezed me in for an appt for the next day. Right away I knew that meant something was wrong. Getting and appointment that fast... any appointment that fast was a bad sign. I had this terrible feeling in my gut but I was already 12 weeks and I figured I had past the "safe zone" and everything would still be ok. We arrived at the hospital in downtown Toronto and I was scared out of my mind. This hospital was big and scary and I was sitting in the waiting room with lots of pregnant women. It was an odd feeling knowing everyone was here because something was wrong with their babies. I looked on the wall and there were so many pictures of multiple birth babies that came into the world safely. I began to feel like ok I can do this. My husband sat in the chair next to me and I was feeling that whatever they said we would support each other and everything would be ok. They called our names and put us in a small room... it was a consultation room, after at least 20 minutes a nurse came in and sat down with us and said ok lets talk about probabilities. We were so unprepared and this is where I learnt about twinning. She drew pictures of Best case scenario and all those between and worse case scenario was the last one. The Best case scenario was 2 babies, 2 sacs, 2 placentas, the worse case scenario was conjoined twins. To break it down for you.
2 babies, 2 sacs. 2 placentas
2 babies 2 sacs, 1 placenta
2 babies 1 sac, 2 placentas
2 babies 1 sac, 1 placenta
2 babies conjoined.
She suggested that if it was one of the final 2 that we think about aborting them or at least reducing them. Neither of us understood why and she left the room telling us to think about what our decision would be if this was the case because before we go to have an ultrasound they wanted us to be prepared. She left us and we just sat there with our mouths dropped open thinking what the hell just happened? I looked at him and he at me and we both knew there was no way that this was going to happen, we were never going to abort our little miracles and certainly never reduce them. God gave them to us for a reason. Besides he said my mother would kill me. The door then opened and the nurse came back in and said ok we are ready for you in the ultrasound room. We were looking forward to seeing our little babies again so we went into this room, this huge room that had a table where you lay down and when they do the ultrasound you can see it on a screen on the ceiling so everyone can see everything at the same time as the doctor. We were so excited, it was like a little movie of our babies. Immediately as soon as he put the wand on my belly there they were, playing with each other and wiggling around. We smiled and laughed and got all excited but they weren't doing what the doctor wanted and needed them to do. He would shake my belly and try to get them to move around in a certain place. He called it the amazing disappearing reappearing wall. He thought he saw a wall between them one second and it would dissapear the next second. He was very concerned about it. He froze it on something and then left it up on the screen and left us waiting there for hours.... and I do mean HOURS! Eventually the nurse came back in and said O you are still here... he went on lunch. OK I am 3 months pregnant with twins and you left me ina room waiting while HE takes a lunch. WE had been at the hospital in one room or another for 4 hours and he needed a lunch? Needless to say we weren't impressed. I grabbed a granola bar out of my purse and ate it and we sat and waited. Staring at the screen that had a picture frozen.... eventually I realized that the picture was of the umbilical cord.. and the flow of the nutrients was highlighted in colour. The nurse came back from lunch and again put us in that consultation room and said wait we were going to go for another scan on a high tech machine because it was imperative we determine what we were dealing with, whether there was a wall between the babies or not. We finally got in the room and it was crowded. There was ME and my hubby and the doctor and 2 nurses and they had asked another doctor to come in as well. I knew this was not a good sign but I also knew you could clearly see that they were not connected so I wasn't afraid. As soon as the scan came up on the screen they said OK thats what I thought, they took some more measurements and then escorted us back into the consultation room. Shortly after the nurse came in and said well its not good news. This is one of the worst case scenario's we talked about. There are 2 babies but they share the sac and the placenta. We recommend you either reduce or abort and just start over, you can have another baby this may end up badly. She then left us in the room to try to absorb this news. I looked at my husband and said well I don't care what they say. No way God gave us this so we could cancel it and try again.. .besides it took us so long to get pregnant its not like I can just go get pregnant again. She came in and brought us a few articles about the mortality rates of these kinds of pregnancies and then she came back in and asked for our decision. I said we will continue on with this pregnancy as is. She again explained that the fatality rate is extremely high and outlined all the possible bad things that can happen. They could get tangled in each other's cords and suffocate each other, they could have the cords around their necks, they could have cerebral palsy because they are not receiving the nutrients because it's shared. They could have TTTS (twin to twin transfusion) where one baby is taking all the nutrients and kills the other. We said we understood but we didn't care. By now it was 5pm and it had been a truly exhausting day and we were soo ready to leave. They said they would send a message back to Dr Smith and recommended we have weekly appointments and are monitored because at any moment one or both babies could die. He also suggested that the babies be delivered around 27-29 weeks because they would be better out than in if we made it that far. They booked a followup appointment and I said to the Doctor when he booked the appointment we will see you then and as long as I live I will never forget what he said. He said I doubt it. Right away I started to get a bad feeling, I called the office and apologized profusely for missing a day of work and insisted that I would be back the next day. I was in total shock but as we were driving home it started to sink in. My beautiful miracles could die at any moment. How do I go to the office and smile and pretend everything is ok? I called my manager immediately once I got home and broke down crying and told her everything. She is the best person in the world, she told me I could work from home until I was comfortable coming back or until I go on bedrest or deliver. My whole world was crumbling down around me and I felt like I had a ticking timebomb in my belly.

My story part 1

It was a cold March morning we woke up, we knew what we had to do he had to produce a sample into a container, we had done this before and the procedure didn't work but this time we had so much hope and faith. He did his "dirty business" and then we got into the car... it was so cold the kind of cold where you can see your breath when you breathe. So I tucked the sample in my bra in between my breasts where it would stay warm, cause cold equals death to the sperm and that would be kind of counter productive. We got to the clinic and people were standing outside. I really found it odd that people were standing outside on such a cold morning. I waited in the car cause I was petrified that something bad would happen..... cold equals death remember? Well I eventually asked the person in the car beside us and they told us someone tried to break in overnight and it jammed the lock and now noone could get in so they were waiting for the locksmith. Well if anything bad is gonna happen it will surely happen to me. We sat in the car for a long time. It was well over an hour.. and the instructions we are given is that the sample must be brought in within an hour of producing into the container so we were scared and upset that this could cost us. The only good thing is that we weren't the only ones who were waiting. There were at least 10 other couples... all scheduled for IUIs and all waiting in their cars with their husband's sperm tucked into their bra or under their armpit or between their legs... these are the places where it could be safely kept warm. Eventually the locksmith and the Doctor arrived and we were led in. I was worried and asked the nurse and she said they would test them and if something was wrong they would let us know. THey gave us the time to come back and have our IUI procedure. We went for breakfast and came back at our time and the doctor came in the room and said good news. Your count is extremely good and we don't see these numbers here that often. Sure I said he is superman inspite of all that happened this morning... figures. I can take some of the responsibility since I kept them safe and warm. This made me feel good and gave me a smile unlike any other smile I have ever had. See even when you were just a little sperm (ok just 42Million sperm) I was a good mommy and kept you safe and warm. We had the procedure and as I lay there with my feet in the stirrups I began thinking about the future, a wonderful future filled with laughter and tears and smiles and hugs, all 42 Million of these swimmers are inside me and all you need to do is find ONE egg and my dreams become a reality. What an amazing thought, what an amazing gift. The next day we repeated the procedure without any incidents and we waited. Many women will tell you the 2 week wait is hell... Every twinge every feeling, every cramp, if your temperature rises you trick yourself into thinking that this is it. The egg and sperm have met and are implanting into your uterine wall. You feel nauseous you determine its morning sickness. You want it so bad that your mind will trick you a thousand times. AND for every thousand times you are sure you are pregnant there are 10 thousand times you tell yourself you are not, cramps means your period is coming, tender breasts are just because of the hormones that are on. Really the only telltale sign is a pregnancy test but I could never bring myself to test because I have had so many negative tests I really wouldn't know what a positive one would look like. So I wait very impatiently I wait with my heart in my throat and I go in for my Beta (blood pregnancy test) I sit in the chair and I have decided it didn't work this month but that is ok there is always next time. The nurse asked me when I was due.. and I laughed, tears stinging my eyes I said I am here for the test but I don't think it worked. She said o hun you never know. I am keeping everything crossed for you. I thanked her and went about my day. I knew at 11am they would call me with the results and I tried to keep myself busy so I wouldn't focus on the impending doom i felt in my gut. How would I tell him that it was negative? Well 11am came and went and I wondered did they lose my test results? I gave them some more time and I eventually started calling. I finally got a call around 1pm and this wonderful lady by the name of Shannon said she was calling with my results and my number was ## . I said what? I have a number? What does that mean? I had never had a number before just one word negative. She started laughing and said O I am so sorry a number means you are pregnant. I said waht? It isn't negative? Can you test it again? She kept laughing and said no... come back in 2 days and have another test we want to see that number doubling every 48 hours. My hands started shaking I was at work and didn't want to react.. I didn't want to scream and cry or jump up and down. I just kept shaking and tearing up. Oh My GOD it worked!! I immediately called my husband and told him and he was just as shaky as I was. Neither of us could believe it. Later he told me he actually had tears in his eyes when I told him. Neither of us could actually believe it. We went back 2 days later and my numbers were ###. Now it was starting to become real to me. They booked our first ultrasound and we were so excited. We didn't want to tell anyone because we were so scared and in so much shock. It was nice to have this all to ourselves. We would laugh and smile and talk about having a baby and how everything we went through, all the needles and poking and prodding and pain it was all worth it because this moment was unbelievable! The day of our first ultrasound came and we were so excited, we couldn't believe how excited we were. We sat and held hands in the wiating room and they eventually called me into the ultrasound room. After doing what she needed to do she called in my husband and we saw it. A tiny little yolk sac but there was nothing in it. I had no idea what was going on because by now something should have been there. She explained that we are just off by a couple days... its a little behind but it can still catch up. I was a little worried but back then I didn't really know much about pregnancies and things that could go wrong so I jsut accepted what they said and left it alone. The next ultrasound I was feeling a little nervous but again so excited I would get to see my little bug. She took a little longer this time and this time I wasn't sure what to think. She called in my husband and said ok are you ready? We both said yes we are ready and then she said something I will never forget. She said this time we are seeing something different. I smiled and said well I would hope so since last time it was just a little sac. She said I see 2 and I laughed and said 2? You see 2 arms and 2 legs... neat! Then she turned the screen to face us and there on the screen were 2 babies! THey were tiny and real! TWINS! I thought my heart was going to stop beating. I had always wanted twins, always but the prospect frightened me. My husband in the meantime lost his footing and said there is no stool here? Why doens't the husband get a chair? The tech jumped off hers and slid hers over under him before he collapsed. We were both is such shock. We didn't understand how one week there is one sac and the next 2 babies. I looked at him and he grabbed my hand and looked at me in my eyes, piercing my heart with his words. He said we will be alright, we can do this. It is meant to be. With just those words my fear melted away and a smile came across my face. Both our faces actually. We were so happy. They look good but we want to see you back again around 12 weeks before you leave our care. I said OK got dressed and when we got to the car we both couldn't stop looking at the ultrasound picture. We were soo excited. We only wanted 2 kids so 2 at once was ideal. This is perfect but now we have to tell people. This is too big a secret to keep. We decided to tell my sister and her husband. They didn't react the way we had hoped. Instead they reacted negatively, they told us that it wasn't a good thing and it was going to be hard and started talking about all the bad things that could happen. I think their reaction to shock and mine were 2 completely different things. We became a little gunshy by this point and chose not to tell anyone else until later. Eventually we told both our parents. His parents we presented with gift bags with bibs that said I love my grandma and I love my grandpa as well as the framed picture of the 2 babies. They were so small they fit in the picture perfectly but I didn't tell them there were two I let them ask and guess. This was the moment we had all waited for so long for I wanted the moment to be extra special. When telling my mother I was terrified to tell and I chickened out all evening during dinner and tehn before we were getting ready to leave my husband said to my mother we have something to tell you. She said O you didn't like dinner? No I said I'm pregnant. I tehn gave her the framed picture, immediately she looked at it then back at me and said umm I see two. I said two what? She said 2 babies. I said yes you do. She hugged me but I saw the look in her eyes.. she was scared for me. Ironic that everyone is so afraid on my behalf and yet my terror was well hidden. We went for our third ultrasound and both my husband and I were so shocked at how much they had changed. I could make out their faces and arms and legs.. it was truly a miracle.

VENTING!

I decided to start a private blog so that I could write down my thoughts and feelings and not offend anyone in the real world who reads my blog. My heart is just sooo broken right now and I don't reall know what to do anymore. I have to spend the next 7 months watching my sister be pregnant with her second baby and try my best not to show her how broken I am because of it. Don't get me wrong I am happy for her but it is just so unfair sooo unfair that she can have 2 kids when I cannot even have one. NOT ONE FUCKING BABY! My one chance was taken from me at 5 months when I had stillborn twin girls. My heart broke that day and I feel like here wer are 3 years later and I have nothing to show for it. NOT ONE FUCKING THING! Now I have to go maternity shopping and help her buy gifts and crap for the baby and go on and on about how excited she is and how the baby did this and that. I swear to you it kills me every time I hear it. BUT I smile and tell her I am happy and I show her I will always be there for my niece and the new baby. I love my niece now and she is so incredibly special to me but this new pregnancy is killing me slowly. I wonder how people cannot get it. My cousin is also expecting... a person who didnt want kids but O look who God blessed anyways! Piss me off. What is so wrong with me? Married 11 years and spent the entire time trying to have a baby and have nothing but hearache and hearbreak to show for it. My sister calls me and says OMG I am so sick of hearing about my cousin and the baby I hate listening to all her crap and all they talk about is baby this and that.. its so annoying. I agree with her.. then the rest of the coversation is all about her and her pregnancy. Its like she just doesn't get it. I could fill swimming pools with the amount of tears that I have shed.... I want the pain and hurt to stop or at least just go away... but I cannot move on until I can fill the void in my life. Even my husband is miserable. We both want children so badly and it kills me soo much that we can't. He has become so cruel and angry lately and he is becoming bitter.... not that I blame him. This will just be the one place for me to vent.